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Thursday, October 09, 2008

Fed to Bypass Banks
Airdrops of Cash Directly to Sub-prime Victims Start Today

Photo Source: US Air Force Link,
Washington -- In a move that literally went over the heads of the Treasury Department, the Fed announced today that it will start air-dropping cash directly to the populace of the US in the hope that their spending will jump-start the faltering Bush economy.

"It's clear from market movements over the past week that the Treasury Plan ... the Paulson Plan ... is a non-starter," stated Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben "Helicopter" Bernanke. "It appears that the Banks are the problem, and the solution therefore is to take them out of the loop."

Disappointed that the banking system might never restart the lending of money, no matter how many trillions of dollars had been pumped into it, the Fed decided that a massive air-drop of $20 bills over the Continental US was perhaps the best measure to boost consumer confidence.

Another Fed source, quoted on background, offered the following: "Banks, Wall Street, stocks, bonds, savings accounts ... whatever. That stuff is like so 1990's. My Grandma had that stuff. The future is people trading stuff directly with one another over the internet, like on e-bay. By the time people realize what the dollar is worth, they'll embrace that paradigm. But for now we just have to get them through the next thirty days."

Noting that most of the US military's inventory of helicopters were deployed to the middle east, the Fed Chairman opted to use the heavy-lifting capabilities of the Air Force's fleet of C-17's. A C-17's payload is approximately 85 tons, which is approximately $1.7 billion worth of $20 bills. The Federal Reserve estimates indicate that 200 such flights, or sorties as the military calls them, would blanket every man, woman and child in the US with approximately $1,133 each.

As one Fed official noted, "Hey, that will give a real kick to the next quarter's numbers, and we don't have to take on all that crap the banks have been generating the past couple of years ... do you have any idea what kind of pay you have to offer to get anybody to deal in that Mortgage-backed stuff? In the end, simply dropping money across the country is probably less than one-third the cost of the Paulson plan when you factor in all the hidden costs. People can get a nice MacBook for the kind of money we're talking about, and then they can trade stuff on e-bay."

A Fed spokesperson had no comment on why Alaska and Hawaii had been left out of the plan.

No, that is not really a bag of cash; it is a leaflet drop over Afghanistan


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